A return to the (all too) familiar!

That's right...I was belly up again last night. There was a time when I thought I could never set foot in the bar again...that is, THE bar. In its' heyday, it really had an unnatural pull...one I could never quite put my finger on, but it was like a drug...it kept pulling me back and sucking me in. I believe I probably looked much like the above picture at the time. I've been there several times within the past month now and I'm starting to feel that gravitational pull again. Granted, it's not quite as strong as it once was (for 7+ years)...but it's tugging nonetheless. Perhaps there is some sentiment in the fact that this is the first bar I ever went to alone. I can thank the ex-boyfriend for that, we used to stop in once in a while and I got to know the bartender Dave, so I had absolutely no qualms about going up there one night by myself when the ex and I had a knock-down, drag-out. Turns out that was the first night of entirely too many nights. However, I got to know the gang and met some wonderful people, my best girl Stacy for one, who I can't imagine not having in my life...so for the most part it was worth it. They were dark, dark days though...days not easily revisited in my mind.

There's something almost hauntingly familiar about seeing the same faces I saw so very often for so very long. It's wonderful and yet, at the same time so incredibly sad. I guess it's hard to explain. I think that even though it's pulling at me again and I do enjoy stopping in periodically, the bottom line is that I just have no interest in returning to that life again. That was not a good time in my life and so even while I thought I was enjoying it so much then, in retrospect I realize just how horribly miserable and ridiculously depressed I was. I guess that feeling will always, in some way accompany my visits to this bar. I'm sure I'll be there a few more times and there are still people I'd like to see again that I haven't been able to yet, but I'm sure the pull won't reign victorious this time...I've had enough of that drug.

Is It Over Yet?

I have reached the point of no return with this semester. I have my final tonight (the one that was canceled last week) and I am no more prepared for it now than I was a week ago. I just want it to be over so I can focus on getting my research project completed before next Wednesday. I am now concerned that the 'A' I have been maintaining thus far will end up becoming a 'B' when all is said and done and, worse still, I don't care. My mantra lately has been 'it is what it is'...with both classes. I won't be at all surprised to be looking at a 'C' in my other class, since he grades on a flipping curve and not just straight percentage-wise, otherwise I have a solid 'B'. So, nothing short of acing the final will keep me from a 'C' in that class. Again, don't care...just need to be done.

And as for work...wow, whole 'nother story, don't want to be here at all anymore. Calgon...you know what to do!

Senselessness

My class and final were canceled tonight due to a bomb threat on the U of M campus. 8 buildings were evacuated and all classes/meetings were canceled for the remainder of the day. While my classroom building wasn't affected, it is near the campus mall which students were also told to steer clear of. I also park directly across the street from 2 of the buildings that were evacuated.

I was about to e-mail my professor to tell her I wasn't comfortable heading over there when she e-mailed us to let us know that she was canceling class. I certainly feel under prepared for the test so I suppose that it is a good thing that I now have an extra week to prepare. However, relief is not on the forefront right now. I am truly shaken by this and am equally disgusted with whoever was involved in it, since it appears that nothing has been found in the 4 hours they have been searching. In the past 2 days, 10 different states have had to deal with veiled bomb threats, mostly in schools...from elementary schools, high schools, colleges and universities, my school being the latest victim. It is all just so senseless. I'm just surprised by how shaken I am.

Haught for Naught

What a strange week this is for me. I was slotted to have a test tonight, a final exam tomorrow night and a class presentation and paper due on Thursday. After our professor sent out a revised study guide for tonight's test late yesterday afternoon, I freaked out after seeing that this study guide was for material I had not studied over the weekend. I double checked the syllabus to make sure I had my facts straight and e-mailed my professor back somewhat snidely stating that apparently we weren't going to be tested on the material in the syllabus for which I had studied all weekend long? He came back and said that's not what he saw in the syllabus but if I would prefer to take the test on the material I had studied, he would give me a week to test on the material everyone else had studied. Yes, it was my error...I read the syllabus incorrectly after having not had a problem reading the correct material all semester long. It's just been that kind of a week for me. So, I was very fortunate that he is a very unconventional professor and willing to work with his students in this way. I wiped the egg off my face, apologized to my professor for my error and thanked him for working with me.

So, now I have no test to take today since it isn't prepared, but will take it on Thursday after class, which does mean I will now have that test to continue studying for, the paper to prepare and the presentation to prepare for Thursday. None of this, of course, will commence until after tomorrow night's class, since I will be up close to all night preparing for my English final which I have tomorrow night. Haven't even started to look at that material...and I have a migraine today. Life is grand. I just keep telling myself that 3 weeks from Thursday I will be done, completely and blissfully done!

Connections

What is it that connects us to people? This is something I've been pondering for quite a while now and was prompted to finally post this after discussing connectedness with a friend earlier this evening. One of the reasons I've been really tossing this around is that there is a man that attends my church who I have a real connection with. We have seen each other outside of church, at other church-related activities, but always in a large group setting. Regardless of the size of the group function, he always makes it a specific point to seek me out. Although he is married with two grown children, we do have a real connection. However, I don't know what the true source of this attraction is. Initially, I was not drawn to him physically, but something drew us together...the first time we met. Ever since then, if I see him in church I linger afterward so I can say hello and talk with him. Usually, I don't even have to seek him out because he has already caught up with me. Without question, there is a mutual physical attraction there, but I know it runs deeper. I have not had the occasion to really pick his brain in an effort to discover what else might be lending to this unique connection, so I am left wondering. And I wonder well too. I wonder if it is, in fact, a shared experience, a common interest or common bond. Unfortunately it also isn't something that I can just come out and ask him, especially since he is off the market. Nonetheless, I would truly like to know what this glue is that holds us together.

People connect with certain people. I often think back to how and when my friendships were formed and I believe there has to be something akin for two people to initially connect, like personalities, a physical attraction, etc...then as you come to know that person better, you discover even more...goals and interests in common, shared life experiences, etc...That being said, there are also always those people with whom you are connected without ever really knowing why. This man is like that for me...again, admittedly I am physically attracted to him but that wasn't there from the start. I think the genuine affection he has for me probably lends well to that, after all, who doesn't appreciate attention from the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your deal). I just wonder if I'll ever know what it is that connects the two of us. I guess for now, I'll have to keep wondering...and keep my eyes open in church!

Is it May yet?

This is the longest 6 weeks of my life. Will this semester EVER end? I'm fried enough it just has to be done. But no, it isn't and I still have more to do than I even want to think about. I have decided to take the Summer off for sure though. My plan is to write this summer, write, write, write! I want to start my first book and I may get a really good jump on it so I'm very excited!

I officially declared English as my major a couple weeks ago, just because I don't have enough credits in the Journalism program to apply for that. So, since those are the two I was battling back and forth with, I'm thinking about a double major since they go so well together. Therefore, one would think I would want to be taking even more classes but I'm dropping down to just one for now. There is too much going on in my life right now to be able to handle that kind of course load and I don't want it to hurt my G.P.A.! So what if it takes me that much longer, at least I'll be able to enjoy the journey!

Spring Wonderland?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not how the song goes. We should not have to be scraping our cars in mid-April. And I shouldn't have to be standing outside smoking a cigarette and freezing my ass off. Shape up Mother Nature...this isn't right!

It was a snow day...I didn't go to class tonight, if I had, I wouldn't be typing this post right now, but still sitting there. Shame on me, two days off work last week and now it will be two days off school this week. I can't help it...I don't stretch that thin. I am actually feeling a bit poopy...getting a sinus infection and just wiped out, and the weather sealed the deal for me tonight. I'm about to see who is leaving 'Idol' and I really hope it's Haley tonight. Then it's beddy bye time...seriously!

The ducks in the snow reminded me of the view outside my balcony. We have had the same pair of ducks at the apartment since I've been here, going on my 3rd year. Tonight I saw them take flight and looked outside to see their little footprints all across the snow in the back yard. Too cute!

A true test of memory!

Last night was not the first time I posted my second list of one hundred things. I just decided to go ahead and try it again when I got home from an Easter celebration with family. I had posted it earlier in the day, yesterday morning actually, but inadvertently deleted my post when I was attempting just to delete a picture I had attached to it. Sometimes I think the 'bloggers' directions really suck. So, my list was completely wiped out with absolutely no back up anywhere. I was quite disappointed to put it mildly and had no ambition to get right back to it. It took me a good hour and a half to do it the first time, and close to that the second as well. Plus, I knew there was no way I would be able to remember all 100 things that were randomly picked from my brain. I think I did a pretty good job though, although last night as I tossed and turned I began to remember a few more that I left off the second (or, shall we say third) time around. Could there be yet another set of one hundred idle thoughts rolling around?

Another hundred things!

Since a mere 100 things was far too scant a score, I offer here 100 more.

1. I am a poet in progress.
2. For my parent's 40th wedding anniversary, I wrote them a poem and presented it to them as a gift.
3. Fall is my favorite season.
4. Winter is my least favorite season.
5. I hate ironing.
6. My father and I butted heads a LOT when I was growing up, I seemed to always be angry with him.
7. While we still have our moments, I love him very dearly and tell him so often. We are the same person.
8. My mother and I have always been close. We are complete opposites.
9. My brother and I didn't particularly get along that well for the first 32 or 33 years of my life.
10. Today, I consider my brother to be one of my greatest blessings. While he is 21 months older than me, he waited a bit longer to grow up.
11. I am very proud of my brother. He has been a member of the volunteer fire department in our home town for 6 years.
12. My favorite flower is the daisy.
13. I've never broken a bone.
14. I have, however, suffered two concussions.
15. I once won a hairiest legs contest.
16. In high school, I swam on the swim team, played basketball (through sophomore year) and played softball.
17. I took figure skating lessons for 4 years.
18. I was in Suzuki piano for 2 years, participating in two play-thrus whereby I memorized two books of piano music (about 30 pieces in all) and played them through.
19. In 8th grade, I also participated in a national college-level competition.
20. I miss my piano. It is currently at my parents house as I have no room and it's a bitch to move.
21. I played the piano for my cousin's first wedding. They divorced. I don't play at weddings any longer.
22. Someday I would like to search for my biological parents.
23. I also hope that my firstborn child will want to meet me sometime.
24. I've never been downhill skiing.
25. I've only gone cross country skiing a handful of times, the results were disastrous, however...see #13.
26. I was the youngest of 10 grandchildren to get up on water skis at the cabin, at age 6.
27. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark.
28. My favorite restaurant is Chevy's.
29. Two movies I never tire of watching are "Christmas Vacation" and "Singin' In The Rain".
30. I love attending plays and going to the theatre.
31. My favorite musical is "The Music Man".
32. Throughout my life, I have always had many friends. While some have come and gone, and some come back again, I have always had one or two very close friends.
33. Most of my friends are now married with children and families of their own.
34. As happy as I am for all of my friends, I am in equal part jealous of their lives, and feel as though I myself am standing still.
35. I become bored quite easily, most especially in my professional life.
36. I despise ruts, and am in constant flux.
37. I love to hand wash dishes.
38. My kitchen is always the cleanest room in my apartment.
39. My bedroom is always the messiest.
40. I have clutter down to a science.
41. In middle school I took the 1st place trophy for three 'Silver Skate Races' in my hometown, competing against both boys and girls of all ages.
42. I also won an alphabet belching contest, I was the only girl competing with three boys. My parents weren't as proud as I had hoped they'd be.
43. I've never been a girly-girl. I have terrible nails and rarely keep them polished.
44. However, I do love to dress up for special occasions and my toes are never without polish in the summer.
45. My feet are very small for my height. I am 5'10" tall and wear an 8 or 8 1/2.
46. I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life.
47. I am currently trying to lose weight. I have 100lbs to go...and it WILL go.
48. I love horror movies, a favorite is "Children of the Corn".
49. I have five piercings (in two ears) and no tattoos.
50. I hate exercising but love the feeling it gives me afterward.
51. I do not enjoy cooking.
52. I love to bake.
53. In high school, I wanted to be a marriage counselor.
54. My first career test had me pegged to be a garbage collector.
55. My favorite subject in high school was English.
56. I never took Biology, Geometry, Algebra or Trigonometry.
57. Despite my lack of scientific or mathematical prowess, somehow, I still manage to score above average on I.Q. tests.
58. I love being smart.
59. I hate stupid drivers. I scream at people in my car. Sometimes I hope they can hear me...or read my lips.
60. My favorite dessert is cheesecake.
61. I love to study. My mind is a sponge.
62. I think the ocean is a lonely creature.
63. My favorite body of water is the lake.
64. My maternal grandmother was one of my best friends. I lost her just over two years ago.
65. I delivered a eulogy at her funeral. I still miss her all the time.
66. I can't watch an episode of "Little House on the Prairie" without crying.
67. I've never understood soccer.
68. The Winter Olympics are my favorite.
69. I've been to 11 of the 50 states. There have been a few others but I'm not counting airport layovers.
70. I have very eclectic musical tastes, so eclectic that I do not even have a favorite band.
71. I do like any form of rap music, whatsoever.
72. My favorite poet is Edgar Allen Poe.
73. My favorite poem of his is "The Bells".
74. I get very lonely sometimes. I hate when people can't differentiate 'aloneness' with loneliness.
75. Sometimes I get so lonely all I can do is cry out to God.
76. I drive people crazy correcting their grammar and punctuation.
77. I want to learn Russian someday...I think it's the most romantic language.
78. I don't really find mountains that beautiful, or even majestic. They're just big rocks, after all.
79. I think the desert is terribly boring.
80. I have always been an excellent speller but have never participated in a spelling bee.
81. I never missed one episode of 'Dallas'.
82. I still didn't know who shot J.R.
83. I love red wine.
84. Bozo is still my favorite clown ever...'The Grand Prize Game' was the bomb.
85. My first undergraduate degree is in Early Childhood Family Education. I taught 2-4yrs olds for five years.
86. I hate that preschool gets such a bad rap.
87. I still cringe when I hear people refer to it as 'day care'. They don't realize that from age 0-5 we accumulate 50% of the knowledge we will attain in our entire lifetime. And THAT doesn't take some teaching?
88. I love candles.
89. I'm a terrible bowler.
90. I still dream of my wedding day, just as I did when I was a little girl.
91. I love solitude and spending long stretches of time alone.
92. I used to pretend I was married to Eric Estrada.
93. My favorite soft drink is Diet Coke. I think people that can't successfully pass the Pepsi/Coke challenge have broken taste buds.
94. I love an English accent...I melt like buttah.
95. I can't stand Ellen Degeneres or Rosie O'Donnell.
96. My dislike for these two women has nothing to do with their sexual preferences, I have close friends that are gay...but they are not annoying, like I find Ellen and Rosie to be.
97. I love fresh air.
98. I am very funny, witty and great with one-liners, however, I'm a terrible joke teller.
99. I love the smell of gasoline, I always have. Growing up I wanted to work at a gas station so I could smell it all day long.
100. I can't stand the smell of freshly mowed grass.

You wanna what?

I coulda been Mrs. Robinson, I coulda been a contender. I was asked out by a 21-year old KID on Tuesday, while spending a slightly lazy day at home. I'm not sure that I allowed myself to be flattered, I was too astounded to be honest. What a sad reality for me. I haven't been on a date in over 3 years now and really have no desire to at this point, I'm seriously too busy with life to think about it. And I'm ok with that. However, even if I were looking to date, that would be some serious cradle-robbing there, even though he felt it necessary to tell me he was 'legal'. Perhaps even more sad for him?

100 Things

Ok, here are my 100 things. My girl Stacy inspired me to move on this. I'm making these up as I go along, by the way. Not making them up like they didn't happen because I assume I will be truthful in my 100 things, just making them up as in they're coming off the cuff.

1. I am very long-winded (see above).
2. I am adopted.
3. I placed a child for adoption over 13 years ago.
4. I was born in Duluth, MN.
5. I was raised in Sauk Rapids, MN. Growing up, I loved living in a small town.
6. As an adult, I love living in or near the big city and will never live in a small town again.
7. I speak Spanish.
8. I've been to Spain.
9. I speak some French.
10. I've been to Canada.
11. I love Mexican food, I could eat it every day of my life.
12. I've been to Mexico.
13. I am an aspiring journalist.
14. I returned to college at age 35 to obtain a 2nd undergraduate degree, 11 years after receiving my 1st.
15. I have one pet, my cat Ishy.
16. She is the sweetest cat in the world...I have papers.
17. I have had just two men tell me they love me in my lifetime.
18. I didn't believe either one.
19. I have told just two men I love them.
20. I didn't mean it the first time, the second time I did.
21. My favorite movie is "The Way We Were".
22. If I could create a profession for myself, I would be a professional student.
23. I hate peas.
24. My parents are still married, almost 42 years after saying "I do".
25. My maternal grandparents were married over 50 years before my grandfather's death.
26. My paternal grandparents were also married over 50 years before my grandfather's death.
27. I am still single.
28. I'd like to start a wine collection.
29. I hate snow, but love the Midwest.
30. I hope to be a published author.
31. I hate asparagus.
32. My favorite color is red.
33. My best color is blue.
34. I've owned 4 cars in 21 years of driving. Only one of them (#3) was purchased brand new.
35. I have two D.U.I.'s.
36. I used to go to the bar 5-6 times per week.
37. I'm lucky if I go to the bar 5-6 times per year now.
38. Despite my loathing for peas and asparagus, I love the color green.
39. I was raised Lutheran, baptised and confirmed in a Lutheran church.
40. I attend a Lutheran church weekly, sometimes more.

41. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

42. I appeared on Wheel of Fortune.

43. I have one older brother, also adopted.

44. Both of my parents have just one sibling.

45. I love thunderstorms.

46. My junior high choir director told my parents I couldn't carry a tune, I now sing in a community choir.

47. I love sarcasm.

48. I hate ignorant people.

49. I love classical music.

50. I've stolen office supplies.

51. With the help of a 'friend' I used a razor blade to scrape the tabs off of a stranger's car, when I couldn't afford to purchase my own.

52. I don't know what day of the week or what time of the day I was born.

53. I'm a butt girl.

54. I would love to meet Johnny Depp.

55. I love to read, almost anything.

56. I love crosswords and sudoku puzzles.

57. I'm a trivia junkie.

58. I am extremely gullible.

59. I hate spiders and can't kill them.

60. I was in the room with 3 of my grandparents when they died. I would be there again.

61. My parents are retired.

62. They travel 6 or more months out of the year. I miss them when they are gone.

63. I've always wanted a sister.

64. I've received one speeding ticket, at the age of 16.

65. I can eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting.

66. My worst fear is that I won't have children.

67. I cry when thinking about my worst fear.

68. I saw Barry Manilow in concert.

69. I love to laugh.

70. I hate doing laundry.

71. I am highly unorganized.

72. I am very analytical.

73. My favorite holiday is Easter.

74. My least favorite holiday is Halloween.

75. My favorite book is "To Kill a Mockingbird".

76. I've never been to the opera.

77. I hate grocery shopping.

78. I'm afraid of heights.

79. I love watching golf.

80. I play the piano, the flute and some guitar.

81. I talk to myself a lot.

82. My favorite song is Pachelbel's "Canon in D".

83. I hate cleaning.

84. I never went to my high school prom.

85. I lost my virginity at the age of 18.

86. I was pregnant at 21.

87. I went on my first date at the age of 24.

88. I love horses.

89. I've never sewn a button on anything.

90. I have 3 cabbage patch dolls. I got my last one (a preemie) when I was a freshman in high school.

91. I've laughed so hard I've peed my pants.

92. I am a Democrat.

93. I love Jeopardy.

94. I did something horrible; only 4 other people on this earth know about it.

95. These four people are all close friends.

96. I've forgiven myself for this horrible thing.

97. I've never eaten sushi.

98. I'm pretty sure I never will eat sushi.

99. I love to walk in the rain.

100. I am secretly in love with David Byrne.

A Paradoxical Puzzle

My life is so odd right now, I often stop to reflect on the sheer absurdity of things. On the one hand, I'm attending a Big 10 university (at an exorbitant per credit cost), working toward a 2nd undergraduate degree in Journalism, in a major metropolis which is an absolute boom town when it comes to journalistic opportunities. Awesome! Fantastic! And even though I like to bitch about how busy and tired I am because I majorly overloaded things coming out of the gate, what an incredible opportunity I have been given to do this. That, in and of itself, is surreal to me. We won't stop short though, let us not forget the other hand.

On the other hand, I am about to declare bankruptcy (yes, still on the verge) and am stalled because I haven't been able to afford the fees involved with getting copies of past tax returns that I (very irresponsibly) could not find. Of course the rest of the usual check-to-check bullshit still follows me around...things like, am I going to have to borrow gas money or parking money again from a friend before payday, eating crap because it's all I can afford to eat...that fun stuff. Yes, if you haven't figured it out...school is being paid for by my parents, as are the bankruptcy fees. How else could I be doing all that I'm doing? Attending a Big 10 university and declaring bankruptcy, by all rights, are mutually exclusive.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that with 6 weeks left in the semester, and lots of work to do within those 6 weeks, I'm going to try not to sulk, whine, complain and generally portray a dismal attitude. I need to be grateful for the opportunity I've been given, especially considering my financial life right now and I just need to buck up. This is a pretty good thing I've got going here and I'm losing sight of that by feeling sorry for myself. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to revel in the paradox!