Dreamy Haze

I had the strangest dream last night. It was my wedding day (which already occurred 39 days ago) and my parents were like two giant anchors. The wedding was scheduled for 1pm (even though we actually got married at 3pm) and I was hanging around waiting for my parents to get back from somewhere? so we could get to the church for the wedding. They didn't show up until almost 12:30pm and then I don't even think we got to the church until like 2pm. I have no idea what this dream was about, but the startling thing was that they didn't think there was a problem with any of this! Eventually I called Kate (my maid of honor) who told me that several of the guests had already left because they had other things to do. Sadly, I woke up before knowing whether or not the wedding ever took place, although the last thing I remember is my parents coming down in an elevator still dressed in their casual clothes and my mom asking some really stupid, totally unrelated question. I was outraged by their lack of concern yet could not give a voice to this outrage. I just stared at them dumbfoundingly as though I couldn't believe this was even happening. I am very big into dream analysis, analyzing in my own head, mind you, there is nothing scholarly or professional about this (although I did take a class at SCSU called 'Psychology of Sleeping and Dreaming', but that was 15 years ago). So, I really just can't figure this one out. Obviously the wedding has already taken place and everything ran according to schedule and my parents were the efficient, responsible people they always are. Perhaps I feel I owe an apology to some of my guests for STILL not getting a thank you to them? Or could this be a sign of what I'll be like someday when my own child gets married due to my lack of planning, organization or seeming concern about the mess my life is in so many ways? I just don't get it at all! Does it mean that something should have been done differently with my wedding (perhaps in a church that actually HAS an elevator?)? In any case, I'm not that concerned about the dream, just puzzled to say the least. It was very odd, but hopefully not very telling of the future! I think I'll try to clean a few things up just in case it was!

Step-Children

Well, meeting the kids went just fine. They are surprisingly well-behaved, but of course could also just be on their best behavior for their dad and new step-mom. My husband will go pick them up from Grandma and Grandpa's house this afternoon and we will most likely have them until we take them back home on Saturday. They have spent the past few days with their sister (or half-sister) Olivia at her house. It just seems so odd to me to have Steve's (2nd) ex-wife so involved in what seems to be every aspect of our life. She's not a bad person, a tad annoying sometimes, but otherwise a good person. It's just that she still seems to be so involved with the family. I know a great deal of this is because they have a child together who we still see regularly, but it's just very strange. It strikes at that jealousy chord again I suppose. I did end up with a migraine on Saturday night after all the hustle and bustle with the kids and my husband was sweet enough to get them out of the apartment so I could rest. Then when they got home he came into the bedroom where I was resting with a big grin on his face and said that he brought me ice cream home. Ok, so he still has a thing or two to learn about migraines. I love him all the same. And the kids had a great Harry Potter/ice cream party while I slept off the migraine. Hopefully the kids will be back and the migraine will stay away now!

Introductions

Above are a couple pictures of my husband's youngest daughter Olivia (who was a junior bridesmaid in our wedding) So, tonight I will be meeting two more of my husband's children and I couldn't be more nervous if I tried. My husband is twice-divorced and has 4 children with his first wife and one with his second. His first wife is (or at least was and seemingly still is) quite the case...I think we've lost track of how many fathers took part in making up her 9 children, but we think it's 5. In any case, this weekend I will meet one of his 14 year old twin sons and his youngest daughter with wife #1, who I believe is 12. I'm not so nervous about meeting her, but quite nervous about meeting him...especially since he just found out about me a few days ago! My husband has been quite estranged from the kids, much due to his ex-wife trying desperately to keep them away from him, and I know he is very excited to see them since he hasn't for about a year and a half. This is all made even stranger by the fact that we all now share the same last name so it would seem as though I should have some level of familiarity with these people, but there really is none, with the exception of a few photos I've seen. It's very strange.

So, I will just have to play the supportive wife and try to be myself in the hopes that it goes as well as it did meeting the first two. It's quite strange for me too...almost surreal because it is a part of my husband that I am still getting to know. I am also a very jealous person and it's hard for me to see all of the love that he has for his children. It's not that I wouldn't want him to love them with all he has, but it's difficult because it feels like it's taking something away from me. Probably ridiculous, but it's also very real. So, I guess I'll just say a prayer that all goes well for us in the next week with the kids and that I can stay strong and supportive for my new husband!

What a Difference a Year Makes!

I am just laughing at the irony here. It would appear my boss is rushing through all of our reviews this afternoon. Although I have been given no notice of this review, I do believe I will be having it today and I am not up for it at all! I am actually despising my job today and have been very dismal indeed...which could not bode well at all in a review. We were given the loathful 'self-evaluation' forms this year to fill out and I was quite honest. I admitted there are areas that I struggle with and need to really improve upon but also placed blame where it was more than due for lack of training, etc...which resulted in an account being poorly handled. In any case, I really hope I can get through the next hour and 10 minutes without a review.

The irony is that last year I had to continually harp on my boss (and his boss) for my review because I was pining for a major pay increase since my job responsibilities and title had changed. I did get the raise eventually, even though it was about 3 months overdue and I received no back pay. It wasn't as much as I had hoped for and something tells me that I won't be getting a raise this time around. I just found it interesting to think back to last year at this time and my repeated attempts to have my review taken care of and now today I don't even want to go through it. Oh well, it's beyond time to be job shopping anyway!

Well, since this post is still "scheduled" (what's that delay about now anyway?) I thought I would tack on an addendum...I did just receive my review and was handed a meager pay increase (basically just cost of living). I suppose it's better than nothing, but still. I will just have to work on improving everything I can while I am still here so that in the unlikely event I'm still here come next June I will receive an even heftier increase.

I'm Really Married!

So, my husband and I were married just over a month ago and I think I'm still kind of reeling and working it all out in my head. It's the oddest feeling, but it's almost as though it was all a great dream, except I know that it happened (the hundreds of thank-you's I'm still working to complete are evidence of that)! Although this picture (another of my favorites) kind of has that fairy tale quality with the arch! The odd thing is that I look at my ring finger (a lot) and look at the pictures and video and I see that it's me up there but it still somehow doesn't seem entirely real. Everything just happened so quickly (including the courtship) and I think I just didn't have time to process it all, even though we enjoyed it immensely. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad we only had 3 months of planning into it because it all goes by in such a rush! I remember my dad whispering to me right before we walked down the aisle to 'enjoy my moment' (which choked me up) and that's all it really was, a moment. I have a good friend getting married in September and they will have been engaged for 14 months at the time of the wedding...I could just have never done that. I suppose it worked out the way it was supposed to for me, but I'm still trying to put it all together! So many people always say that being married doesn't really feel any different than just living together, that you just get a new name. I suppose there's is a slight letdown because it's new and I never really knew what to expect, but I like married life and I sure do love my husband! I feel like such an adult and even have a 'real' banking account and a new car (ok, two years old is new enough for me) to show for it! Life is grand.

Favorite Wedding Pics!

Our beautiful flowers (some of them)!

The bride and bridegroom! My big brother below!

Mom and dad (below left)

My maid of honor and best friend Kate!

I just had to post a few of my favorites from the big day! It went almost perfectly and we couldn't have asked for a nicer day...so God was good!

Crossroads?

Once again, I am getting very restless in my job and am really hankering for a change soon. There are advantages and disadvantages to where I'm at right now, the number one advantage being that I have been here for 4 years and 4 months now (yes, the longest I've held down any full-time job) and it's comfortable, even though I don't care much for my job at all. The number one disadvantage is that the benefits basically suck and I pay through the nose for them. Another advantage is that I make a fairly decent income with my current employer and it provides stability, which is never a bad thing. When I started this job in 2004, I promised myself I would not make a move (voluntarily, that is) just to get out of there if I was unhappy, but rather it would be a move more on the permanent side and hopefully something I found a great deal of interest and enjoyment in. That's where my main struggle is right now, I don't know where to go or what I really want to do. That's not true, I'd prefer to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, only that's not an option since we are a two-income household. I guess I'll just have to keep mulling things over...I figure there's just GOT to be something out there that has a better benefit package. We're hoping to be pregnant within a year and right now I don't even have paid maternity leave here, so that would be a good place to start. Ok, I'm done venting now. I guess I better get back to my crummy job.

Mr. and Mrs. T!

That's right...I'm Mrs. T now! Just had a few honeymoon pictures from our trip to St. Louis and thought I would share a few of my favorites! We fell in love with the city and could easily live there someday...we even picked out our neighborhood!

The following pictures are from Busch Stadium (home of the St. Louis Cardinals). We didn't get to see a game because the Cards were out of town all week but we did catch two Royals games in Kansas City. We opted to take a tour of the stadium instead, which was very cool!


This is so awesome...outdoor baseball is fantastic in the first place but can you imagine having this as a backdrop at home plate?
The following pictures were taken at the Missouri Botanical Gardens, one of our favorite day trips and we still didn't have enough time to see everything!


Those are just a few favorites from the highlights of our trip. I hope to have some wedding pictures to share soon!

I'm Hitched!

I'm back to work today, freshly married and honeymooned (pictures to follow). My secret pleasure of the day has been looking at all of my paper memos and e-mails with my new married name...it looks so good! Somehow, it makes it all even that much more official! I am so ridiculously happy and I love to hear my new husband say "You look good married". I was just bursting at the seams on our wedding day...which ended up being beautiful and sunny (albeit slightly windy) and not rainy and/or snowy as had been predicted! I just beamed the entire day, it was all so wonderful. The honeymoon was fantastic and we think we may have discovered the next place we want to live when the cold and snow finally drives us out of MN!

I'm so happy that even being back to work today can't damper my spirits much anyway. I'd certainly rather still be on my honeymoon with my husband, but it's doable today. I'm quite anxious to get our pictures back now of course! Just wanted to check in as a married woman and will be back with pictures when I have them!

Sadie, Sadie...old lady?

So, I've been floating around very lightfooted...anxious to be married to the man of my dreams. I have also been found to be singing a song from an all-time favorite movie "Funny Girl"..."Sadie, Sadie...Married Lady". My future mother-in-law (as in 3 days in the future) majorly burst my joyful little bubble on Sunday when she uttered "In 6 days, there will be another Mrs. Tilseth". Suddenly that spring in my step felt more like a 200lb anchor and Mrs. Tilseth didn't sound as enchanting as Fanny Brice made 'Mrs. Arnstein' sound in the movie. Just the idea of becoming a Mrs. was somewhat devastating...made worse with the fact that my adoring fiance' readily agreed with me when I said 'that makes me feel old' by saying 'honey, you are old'. Well, I'll still always have 4 years on him! I just found it funny, in an odd sort of way, that a silly title like that can have such an impact on the way we view things.

Oh well, Mrs. Tilseth or not...I'm still looking forward to married life, starting with a nice relaxing honeymoon next week where I will be refusing to think about work or anything else! But first, the joyous event which will turn me from Miss to Mrs. with a few words and an exchange of rings and a kiss! I guess I'm officially excited again!

I do...I do...I do!

I've finally reached that place of peace, contentment, anticipation and excitement that is no longer marred by worry, anxiety, doubt and genuine freaked outedness! The last wedding hurdle has been cleared, the last fire extinguished and now, with 4 days until the wedding...everything is in place and ready and we can just wait peacefully. What a glorious feeling! My coordinator just today asked me if I was remembering to stay calm and let everybody else worry about the details. And it was only as of about 35 minutes ago that I was able to say yes! However, it was a resounding yes! I'm not even concerned about the weather anymore, especially since that is the one thing we absolutely have no control over! Just somewhere around 1 1/2 work days left and then I will have seven glorious days off.

I really must commend myself too for the way I have handled myself through this entire process. I've learned something (through the eyes of my fiance') about my mother during the planning of my wedding. She really can be quite an uptight person and very edgy. Steven noticed this virtually right away and commented on how wound she is. I guess I just never really noticed it that much before, and yet, this is the first wedding I've planned with her too! At times when I was feeling relatively calm and unconcerned about things, she would get me all riled up to the point of my becoming confused and questioning things I thought I already had figured out! It was challenging to say the least and I did have a few 'Bridezilla' moments and also times where I just broke into tears and fell apart for no apparent reason at all except to just want it all to end right then and there! I just know that everything is going to come together so beautifully and perfectly on our day, even if the snow decides to fly after all. We are beyond ready and so very excited to become man and wife.

Ain't Life Peculiar?

This morning, as I was taking my daily jaunt to my page on "The Knot" I was just struck with the absurdity that life can sometimes bring. Perhaps that isn't the right word, providential might be more in line with my train of thought here? When Steven and I started dating last August I began dreaming of our wedding day (things really did happen that quickly) and after his proposal in September I decided to go to "The Knot" and start our fictitious page. I entered a 'fictitious' wedding date, aiming for September of '08 and began to dream some more, all the while questioning whether or not we would really make it there. This morning I went to the page (my favorite thing to do for the past couple weeks) to look at our lucky number and was struck by how crazy life can be...the number no longer read 100+ but NINE (that's right, the number between 8 and 10) and it's no longer a 'fictitious' number but an ACTUAL number. And it is no longer visited only by yours truly, but by many friends and family members as well, who are all counting down and preparing for the big celebration with us! Who woulda thunk? At the time of Steven's proposal I thought a year from then was going to be too soon and here we are just 8 months later, ready to do the deed. I couldn't be more thrilled, even in the face of such peculiarities!

18 and Life!

How funny that I should be thinking of Skid Row today. I hope that's not some bad omen or anything! My favorite thing to do lately (Steven's too) is count down the days to our wedding. I think we started at 30 or something. Today marks 18 days to go and I have had Skid Row's "18 and Life" song in my head all morning, as though my pending marriage is some type of prison sentence. Oh, to be a child of the 80's is not always a good thing.

On the contrary...I couldn't be looking more forward to the big day! We are at a point now where all of the major stuff is in place and it's just the minor details. Boy, nobody ever told me those were the ones that would really forge the migraines! There's so much, my head has been spinning non-stop. I just want to be sure everything is in place so that I don't miss anything because the last thing I want to be doing is worrying about all of it on my wedding day! The plan (which I hope to execute perfectly!) is to not worry about anything. I know things won't go perfectly but I should still be able to perfectly enjoy the day. Today I get to go pick up my ring FINALLY! We picked it out over a month ago and have been chipping away at it slowly and today I will be able to make the final payment and pick the ring up! It was so good that I had to wait though, and even be ring-less for 3 out of 4 showers, because it has helped me focus on the things that really matter. I've never been material, but let's face it, a girl loves a diamond! It will just be fun to be 'officially' engaged for 18 days before the wedding. Well, 'official' as in the way the world looks at it. Ok, I want the bling and will be thrilled to have it!

Six Weeks to the altar!

I just have no idea where the time has gone. Just six weeks now until the big day and I'm feeling surprisingly prepared. We seriously planned this shindig in like 5 weeks. It CAN be done! And it's going to be beautiful...I am so excited. I've never been happier in my life and feel so incredibly blessed. God is good indeed! Just a few minor details to tend to and we should be ready to roll. Hopefully I'll have lots of fun pictures to post when it's all said and done! This is our engagement picture, I just love how happy we both look! We truly are and I look forward to a lifetime of happiness with Steven!

Here Comes The Bride!!!!

Wow, is it time to dust off the old blog or what???!!! What better reason for a new post then to announce (yes, most likely to myself) that I am getting married on May 3, 2008! I am beyond excited about things and am busy planning but it has sure been lots of fun so far, for the most part! The invitations are going out in the mail this Saturday, which is incredibly hard to believe! I will post of picture of the happy couple...although Steven decided to keep his eyes half-closed! More later...just had to share the great news!

I'm Back!

Things are still going great with Steven...he's basically moved in to my place now and it's so wonderful to 'almost' officially have him there. We just have the key situation to figure out, and soon! It's not all perfect and we've had our fair share of skirmishes but overall I'd say we're doing just wonderful! We really do love each other and that's the most important thing.

I'm able to type this because I have a functioning computer at home again! Yay me! Steve just turned it on when he was home the other day and said it was just fine. Very strange, but it's great to be able to blog again! Work has really cracked down big time on internet usage so I can't even access my blog (or anyone else's) without using some of my allotted 'quota time'. It's so ridiculous. Apparently, they haven't driven enough people out of that company they thought they'd try another tactic to shake some more up. I really need a new job. But, right now I really need to start laundry and cleaning since Steve is working anyway. I'll check in later this week if I have a chance!

The Jury Is In!

Well, Joseph is out of the picture and it's all Steven! Things are going wonderfully well and I know I will marry this man. It tends to still sometimes have a bit of a surreal feel to it, but mostly it's just been amazing. He is so special to me and we have such wonderful times together. All of our friends tell us how happy we look together, like we're just meant to be. What a wonderful thing to hear! So, I could gush forever about him but I'll keep it short. I could have much more interesting blogs now with all of our new adventures together! I look forward to a life of sharing, loving and warmth with Steve! I could not be happier.

Back in the Saddle Again!

As it turns out...the dating thing is not, in fact, on hold. I ended up meeting a guy last Friday that had e-mailed me from myspace last week. His name is Steve and he looks like this (1st pic above). We talked on the phone after I had asked him if he wanted to join us at Canterbury for the evening. I think he freaked out (just a tiny bit maybe) and said he'd like to talk with me on the phone to get to know me a little better first. So, he called me Friday and we chatted and decided to meet for a walk, which actually turned out to be a short walk and then we sat at a picnic table for a while and chatted. We hit it off pretty well, didn't run out of conversation material and he was very complimentary and sweet to me. He's a super nice guy, that's for darn sure. So, he was very busy telling me how beautiful I am and how gorgeous my eyes are and we were just sitting facing each other, then I think we hugged and I initiated the first kiss, which was quite nice. He decided to accompany me to Canterbury, everyone liked him a lot...we went back to Dana's for a while with Suzanne and the gang and held hands a bit. He dropped me off (since we had dropped my car at the apartment before heading to the track) and we made out in his truck for quite a while. Then, I talked to him on the phone a couple times on Saturday, he called right away in the morning on his way to his softball tournament to thank me again for the night before and tell me what an awesome time he had and I ended up seeing him on Saturday night for a while again with Stacy. Last night we talked on the phone for 2 1/2 hours and it flew by like nothing! He's taking me to dinner tonight and I am really looking forward to seeing him again, even more so than I thought I would be. He is just so thoughtful, considerate, charming, complimentary, flattering and unassuming...what girl isn't going to like that.

And apparently, when it rains it pours. As I said in my previous post, in a fit of disappointment I decided to cancel my Match.com subscription and the very next day had an e-mail from a very cute guy, who I have since e-mailed and just heard back from today. His name is Joseph and he is on the right above. I'm hoping that I will hear back from him but it should be interesting because Suzanne committed a rather grave error earlier this morning. She's been keeping tabs on all the goings on and wanted me to forward the e-mail that Joseph had sent me. So, I did that, only when she replied to it she mistakenly sent it to Joseph instead of to me. There wasn't anything awful said, except that she said something about how it sounded like he came from money too, which is never a bad thing! So, I pretty much just laughed it off but she was really upset with herself. I ended up e-mailing Joseph and explaining the error and I said that I hoped he hadn't taken offense at anything that was said or the fact that I shared it with her in the first place. I really hope that I hear back from him though because, as you see, he is a beautiful man! He already mentioned potentially meeting for a drink sometime so I hope to hear back soon.

But, for the time being...I'm very much looking forward to my dinner with Steve tonight! It feels so great to be dating again.

FUGEDDABOUTIT!

So, the online dating gig reached an entirely new level of creepiness...enough to scare me away from it for quite a while actually. Match.com sent me my new matches for the day this morning and I was 'matched' with a guy I graduated from high school with. Wasn't attracted to him then and am not attracted to him now...since he hasn't changed one bit in the last 18 years! What is it about men not aging...ugh!

Oh well, it turns out that it's ok I'm putting the dating thing on hold since I have decided that the weight loss should come first and should definitely require my entire focus. Plus, school starts back up in one month (less than, actually) so I will have that on my plate as well. I'm starting Weight Watchers tomorrow and am sticking with it until EVERYTHING is gone...100+ lbs. I think I can do it within 1 year and by then I will be feeling better about lots of things, well, at least that's my guess. If anyone should feel so inclined as to follow my progress through the next year...I have started a new blog to track my weight loss journey. Here is my new URL, http://weightbgone07.blogspot.com/.

Wish me luck!!!!

Players Need Not Reply!

A few weeks ago I decided to venture back onto the dating scene, or at least test the waters. I'm about to get back onto dry land. I have my toes dipped into several different sites, taking advantage of all that I can do free of charge. I have had the most success with one particular site, though I have yet to actually meet anyone in person. There are just too many players and weirdos out there apparently. I was supposed to (potentially) meet up with a guy I had spoken at length with last week and via the phone once as well. Now, he's gone cold shoulder on me and I really want to give him a piece of my mind (and nothing else to go with it), but I don't even know if it's worth my time and effort. Freakin' jerks. I'm tired of it already and have been reminded of why I usually don't bother. Aye caramba...I give up already!